I have to stop myself sometimes from reliving the past. And not the kind of happy nostalgic reliving that involves exotic travels, a good bottle of champagne, or tasting the most amazing chocolate chip cookie ever. More like the kind where I try to fix what I did wrong. Remembering all the things I wish hadn't happened, or what I hadn't said. Mostly it involves me embarrassing myself. I felt worse than ever.

(I'm quite good at this, or at least I used to be.) I started one day making a list of all of these mistakes from my past. i replayed the sequence of events in my head – first the embarrassing true version and how poorly I handled things. Then the new, improved, and imagined version where I swoop in and make all the right decisions. I realized how many times I had f***ed up in my life.

Instead of making me feel better, i started to think of more and more things I did wrong, that I would have changed if I could build a time machine. How many times I'd said the wrong thing. When I was younger, my friends and I claimed "do-overs" all the time. If we were playing mini golf and I hit the ball into the next putting green over, I called a do-over. If I raced someone down the street and lost I wanted a do-over. Do-overs were standard. They were a part of the process.

If I stumbled over a chord when I was playing piano, I started again from the beginning. I took them for granted, thinking that in life I would always have a second chance. Unfortunately, we can't often claim do-overs as we get older. I made some decisions that weren't smart, and they had their consequences. So I have to take a different approach. I have to accept that the past is past, and the only thing I have control over are my actions going forward.